When Offenses Occur. . .
January 18, 2022
Matthew 18:15-18, CEB - “If your brother or sister
sins against you, go and correct them when you are alone together. If they
listen to you, then you’ve won over your brother or sister. But if they won’t listen, take with you one or
two others so that every word may be established by the mouth of two or three
witnesses. But if they still won’t pay
attention, report it to the church. If they won’t pay attention even to the
church, treat them as you would a Gentile and tax collector. I assure you that whatever you fasten on earth
will be fastened in heaven. And whatever you loosen on earth will be loosened
in heaven.
This is
a very short, but concentrated passage that offers sound guidance for how to
handle offenses within the community of faith.
“Within the community of faith” is key here, because the process Jesus
outlines here assumes a healthy community where communication is good and there
is an overall commitment to unity. Where
this kind of commitment and care is missing, this process does not work. With that caveat, let’s walk through the process.
When an
offense occurs between community members, it’s best to try and address it one
on one first. Immediately enlisting
allies to go and confront someone almost ensures that the one being confronted
will become defensive. This is easy to envision
by thinking about a time when you felt “ganged up on.” The reality is that even one-on-one, defensiveness
still often occurs, but there is a better chance of avoiding that between just
two people.
Note
what Jesus says is the goal in this encounter.
It’s not to shame or convict the offender. When it works well, Jesus says that the
result is that “you’ve won over your brother or sister.” Restoration of relationship is the goal. When we have this goal in mind, our approach
to correcting the offense is to lovingly point it out in order to create an invitation
to come back into relationship. This is
an art and it takes practice, but when it is done well, it is reminder of how
redemptive and life-giving community can be.
I do feel
compelled to say that we live in a time where we are quickly moving away from
this kind of corrective action when an offense occurs. Offenses are often not confronted and many
times, when they are, it is done without love and care. The result is that the offense is multiplied
and magnified. Community is lost. This is the importance of Jesus’s teaching
here. Offenses will occur in our
relationships, so we must determine that we will handle them with love before
they happen. Otherwise, anger and
tit-for-tat will prevail.
When step
one is consistently done well, step two would be rare. But when necessary, step two is one that
retains the goal of restoration of relationship, not embarrassment, shame or
condemnation. When the one being approached about an offense
will not listen one-on-one, a second and possibly a third person is brought into
the process. The idea here is to convey
to the one who has caused harm that the issue is important enough to involve
other people. It is not just one
relationship that has been damaged, but there is a danger of damage to the
relational fabric of the whole community.
The addition of others also guards against the matter being obscured by a
“he-said-she-said” kind of confrontation where the facts give way to exaggerations
and needless escalation. The purpose
here is still to create a path back to restored relationship and healthy
community.
If step
two should be rare, step three should almost never happen. It is at this point that the leaders of the
community try to make plain to the offender that the offense has now become a
whole community matter. The offender is
given one last chance to turn back toward the community. If there is still no repentance, then the
offender is to be treated as an outsider.
However, that doesn’t mean they are to be publicly shunned. The community Jesus teaches is a community marked
by winsome love and care for the outsider.
The shift that is made here is that the offender is no longer allowed to
be engaged in that mission. Instead,
they have now become one of those for which the mission is aimed.
This
outline for handling community offenses takes a lot of hard work and
willingness to handle matters in a way that is foreign to our intensely
individualistic culture. I have tried to
practice and foster this kind of process for many years. Still, I have to
confess that I am still very bad at it.
But on a few occasions, I have experienced how powerful it can be. I have seen enemies become allies again. I have seen community-wide healing occur in a
situation where that seemed impossible.
But mostly, I have been able to see how a relatively minor offense can
be dealt with effectively and redemptively with love and resolved intention to
deal with it before it becomes a much bigger problem. I unfortunately have also seen way too many
small matters quickly escalate into a situation where communities are torn
apart. Jesus is trying to show us how
to avoid such tragedy.
Questions: How would
you imagine being effectively and lovingly confronted about something you had
done that caused harm?
Prayer: God, forgive us
the offense our sins have caused whether the offense is yours or has hurt
others. Give us the humility to be open
to loving correction and the ability to lovingly and effectively communicate with
those who have hurt us. Help us build
your beloved community.
Prayer Focus: Pray
for God to bless at least three people that you don’t like today.
Song: What If I
Stumble? DC Talk
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