What Forgiveness IS – The Beginning

 

What Forgiveness IS – The Beginning

 

Proverbs 28:13, The Message - You can’t whitewash your sins and get by with it; you find mercy by admitting and leaving them.

 

                For the last several reflections, we’ve talked about many misunderstandings about forgiveness – what forgiveness is NOT.  Today we begin talking about what it IS.  Forgiveness begins with an awareness that an offense has taken place.  This may seem so obvious that it doesn’t even merit mentioning, but stay with me for a moment.  When we talked about the many things forgiveness is not, we began with a denial that anything wrong has taken place. 

                I have received numerous apologies over the course of my life where I perceived no offense.  When the person says, “I’m sorry,”  my sincere response was “for what?”  When they describe what they had done, I see that I was neither hurt or offended by their actions.  There is no need for forgiveness, because they have done nothing to me that merits forgiveness.   I have also been on the other side of these incidents.  I had legitimately thought that I needed to apologize, so I did and asked for forgiveness.  The person was surprised at the apology (because they had not been hurt of offended) and responded to me, “there is nothing to forgive.”  They were right.  No offense = no forgiveness needed.  No harm, no foul.

Some might argue that this is splitting hairs, but I believe this distinction is important.  What I have given to the people who were apologizing (and what people have given to me when I was apologizing) is simple grace.  Let’s reserve forgiveness for times when forgiveness is actually needed.  We risk watering down the substantial nature of forgiveness when we do otherwise. 

Here's another reason why forgiveness begins with acknowledgement of an offense.  How many times have you heard someone say, “it was nothing.”  Often, when someone says this, they are responding to something that someone did that was hurtful in some way.  They say “it is nothing” to dismiss the issue when the reality is that they were indeed hurt by what was done.  The person whose was hurt may have several possible reasons for trying to dismiss the issue such as embarrassment, fear, or avoidance of conflict.  Nevertheless, it WASN’T nothing.  An offense took place and forgiveness isn’t possible when the would-be forgiver doesn’t acknowledge that something is wrong.  It is not even necessary for the offender to acknowledge the offense, but the forgiver can only forgive something that was truly an offense.  It’s essential to admit the need to forgive someone before one can begin the process of forgiving.

 

Question:  What is the difference between forgiveness and “simple grace” to you?

 

Prayer:  Lord, you don’t overlook our sin as if it was not sin.  You call it what it is AND THEN, you forgive us.  Help us to be more like you.  Amen.

 

Prayer Focus:  Pray for law and policy makers today as they try deal with the current challenges of our day. 

 

Song:  Forgiveness – TobyMac (featuring LeCrae)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xfkhqpl81NA 

“I’ve Forgiven Them; Why Does It Still Hurt?”

 

Genesis 45:1-2, CEB - Joseph could no longer control himself in front of all his attendants, so he declared, “Everyone, leave now!” So no one stayed with him when he revealed his identity to his brothers. 2 He wept so loudly that the Egyptians and Pharaoh’s household heard him.

 

“I’ve forgiven them; why do I still feel the pain?”  This question gives insight into the difference between forgiveness and healing.   This difference can sometimes be hard to discern. Forgiving another is often an important part of a healing process. Likewise, experiencing a sense of healing can make it easier to begin to forgive another.   Nevertheless, healing and forgiveness are not the same things.  Making the choice to forgive someone does not automatically remove the pain they caused or heal the wound.   Forgiveness and healing processes often overlap, but it is important to understand they are different processes.  Thinking they are the same leads to obstacles to both.

In the moment captured above in Genesis 45, Joseph is reunited with his brothers years after those same brothers sold him into slavery and told their father Jacob that Joseph was dead.  Joeseph has forgiven them, but still, great emotion rises up in him seeing their faces again.  Joseph had forgiven his brothers, but the wounds they caused had not fully healed.  Forgiving his brothers no doubt helped Joseph’s healing process but the forgiveness was separate process. 

Sometimes, it’s easy to think that because we have made the decision to forgive someone, we will automatically heal.  While we can’t rule out the possibility that God can heal us in an instant, most often, healing takes time.  Just as physical wounds don’t heal instantaneously, spiritual and emotional wounds usually heal slowly.  Because this is true, sometimes we need to begin to heal before we are ready to think about forgiving the offender.  Forgiveness can help healing and healing can help forgiveness.  They make good partners.

 

Questions:  As you think about wounds you have suffered from others, reflect on these questions: (1) have you made the decision to forgive the offender?  (2) How has your decision to forgive or not forgive affected your ability to heal?  (3) What feels like a next logical step in your healing and/or forgiveness processes?

 

Prayer:  Forgiving God, teach me how to forgive like you do.  Heal my heart and spirit of the wounds of the past.  Give me wisdom on what steps to take next.  Amen.

 

Prayer Focus:  As you go through your day today, pray for God to bless people you come in contact with.

 

Song:  Heart of the Matter – Don Henley

https://vimeo.com/606078937

Forgiveness is Not Justice

Isaiah 61:8, CEB - I, the Lord, love justice…

 

Psalm 130:3-4, CEB - If you kept track of sins, Lord—my Lord, who would stand a chance?  But forgiveness is with you—that’s why you are honored

 

    “I can’t forgive her! If I did, that would be the same as saying what she did is okay.”  While this kind of logic is understandable, it betrays the true nature of forgiveness.  In order for forgiveness to be necessary, there has to be an offense.  If there is an offense, it follows that that what happened was NOT okay.  To forgive an offense does not neutralize a transgression.

    This highlights the distinction between forgiveness and justice.  They are not mutually exclusive.  We can pursue justice and forgiveness at the same time.  In fact, pursuing one without the other diminishes both.  If we pursue justice without forgiveness, it sows seeds of more injustice.  If we pursue forgiveness at the expense of justice, it sows fertile ground for more offenses to be committed where even more forgiveness will be needed.  But more importantly, if we pursue justice and forgiveness together, both the process of forgiveness and the arc of justice are strengthened.  I am better able to let go of an offense if I know that as I do, the seeds of justice have been planted.  Likewise, as I pursue justice, I feel even better about the result if at the same time forgiveness takes place.  The newfound justice stands on more solid ground than it would without forgiveness.

    However, it is important to note once again that while the processes of justice and forgiveness can help one another, they are still separate pursuits.  An offender can receive a just punishment for their ,crime and while their sentence may provide some sense of justice for victims, that vindication does not equate to forgiveness.  The offender cannot be punished enough to make forgiveness occur.   Likewise, forgiving someone will not equate to justice served.  To say it more simply, forgiveness does not “right” a “wrong.”

    The Hebrew notion of shalom (often translated peace) includes both forgiveness and justice.  A more literal translation of shalom would be “right relationship” among all people.  This implies that there is justice and forgiveness present.  Transgressions are forgiven, but restorative justice is also applied to rebuild just relationships between all people.  The cumulative effect is multiplied because justice makes forgiveness easier and forgiveness increases the possibility to work toward justice.  Wrongdoers can be both forgiven and held accountable under shalom.

 

Question:  What is the relationship between justice and forgiveness for you?

 

Prayer:  God, when it comes to our sin, we like to focus on your forgiving nature while downplaying your just nature.  Help us not to make that mistake.  Help us to accept your forgiveness and your just correction. Amen.

 

Prayer Focus:  Pray for those who have suffered because of others’ “-isms” (racism, sexism, ageism, etc.)

 

Song:  Letter to Eve – Pete Seeger – Great old song about this relationship between love/forgiveness and justice

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4ShOQakO7Eg

Forgiveness is a Process

 

1 John 1:8-9, The Message -  If we claim that we’re free of sin, we’re only fooling ourselves. A claim like that is errant nonsense. On the other hand, if we admit our sins—simply come clean about them—he won’t let us down; he’ll be true to himself. He’ll forgive our sins and purge us of all wrongdoing.

 

Forgiveness is most often not an event

Movies, books, love songs and other media often characterize forgiveness as a moment.  After an eternity of fighting and struggle, the two estranged friends or lovers have a profound experience that enables them to see the world and their relationship in a different way.  They realize their feud has been senseless and then there is a touching moment of forgiveness – the actual words “I forgive you,” an embrace, a kiss or some combination of the three. The reality of forgiveness is mostly less dramatic and much more difficult.  Calling forgiveness a process or a journey is more generally accurate.

It’s not that it can’t happen in a moment, but that’s the exception. In Paul Young’s The Shack, God the Father is answering a question Mac has about this process:

“You may have to declare your forgiveness a hundred times the first day and the second day, but the third day will be less and each day after, until one day you will realize that you have forgiven completely.”

Even the way God’s forgiveness seems to be more of a process than a specific moment in time.  God’s forgiveness is instantaneous, but our acceptance of that forgiveness is almost always a gradual embrace.  Typically, our cognitive assent to the idea that God does indeed forgive our sins precedes our actual experience of feeling fully forgiven.  God’s grace is surprising.  It does not feel natural that God would not hold our sins against us or “remember them no more” as we talked about yesterday.  We may have to remind ourselves that the grace has indeed been given to us.  In fact, my encouragement to you today is adopt the practice of reminding yourself that God has forgiven you. 

                At the end of each day, as you reflect on the last 24 hours, take a solemn moment before you close your eyes and actually say the words, “God has forgiven all of my sin, thanks be to God.”  I will warn you.  If you never done this, it will feel awkward at first, maybe even disingenuous.  But stay with it.  It begin to make it’s way into your mind and heart.  It’s a process.  Let God’s forgiveness soak in at the end of each day.  See how it changes your outlook.

 

Question:  How deeply do you trust that God has indeed forgiven you of all sins?

 

Prayer:  God, You have forgiven all of my sin, thanks and praise be to You.  Help me believe in and trust your forgiveness. Amen.

 

Prayer Focus:  Pray for each of your household members today.  If you live alone, pray for your closest neighbors.   Amen.

 

Song:  Forgiven – Crowder

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u_ZWEO36jok

Forgive and Remember

 

Jeremiah 31:34 and Hebrews 8:12 (Both NIV) - “For I will forgive their wickedness and will remember their sins no more.”

 

In both scriptures above, God is speaking. The author of Hebrews is actually quoting Jeremiah.  This scripture forms the basis for the assertion that one should forgive and forget. After all, if God does both, shouldn’t we? 

There are multiple problems with this prescription. First, let me say that I do not for one moment believe that God literally forgets human sin. The phrase “never again remember” can also be translated “wipe the slate clean.”  The idea being conveyed here is that when God forgives, the books are erased.  God chooses to eliminate the possibility of the offense being used against the forgiven again.  The scripture is trying to communicate that God doesn’t hold grudges.  Human beings need not worry that God is going to say to us someday, “remember that day you used my name in a profane way; it’s time for you pay for that.”  God chooses not to “remember” sins in that punitive way. 

Furthermore, even if God did, in fact, forget offenses, to do the same would be a very bad idea for humans. A parent who forgets that a child has a pattern of repeatedly making the same mistake would not be able to help the child adopt a different and healthier pattern.  Because Dad knows the Junior has snuck cookies from the pantry many times before, Dad might choose to put the cookies out of reach.  Even if it were possible for Dad to forget about the cookie theft, to do so would be to invite more cookie theft.  It’s good for Dad to forgive Junior, but it’s irresponsible to forget.

“Forgetfulness” of this sort could even be dangerous.  Indulge me in this thought experiment. Imagine a young girl named Sara that has no short-term memory.  Five minutes after something happens, Sara cannot remember it.   Now imagine Sara is bullied by an older girl Mara at the bus stop each morning.  Mara has learned about Sara’s condition and takes great advantage of it.  Sara arrives at school each morning with no explanation for the bruises on her arms and her missing lunch money.  Because Sara has “forgotten” what happened, each day she returns to the bus stop for more cruelty. 

While Sara’s victimization is fictitious and the details are unlikely, it illustrates the problem with “forgive and forget.”  While Sara can forgive Mara, it would be much safer and healthier for her to forgive and remember.  The Hebrew idea of remembrance is to bring the past into the present again.  It is precisely this idea that we invoke when during communion, a pastor quotes the words of Jesus, “do this in remembrance of Me.”  These words are meant to bring what Christ did for humanity in the cross into the present again.  His broken body and His shed blood are tangibly brought into the present in the bread and wine/juice.  While this a powerful use of “remembering,” doing the same with past offenses perpetuates the pain.  When Jesus, on the cross, asks God to “forgive” those who put Him there, He is asking God to “remember their sins no more.”  The slate is wiped clean.  God has not forgotten our sin.  He simply chooses not to use it against us.  The sin is “dismembered” instead of “remembered.”  This is what our goal in forgiving is as well, but we’ll talk about that at a later date.

 

Question:  What does it mean to you that God has chosen to “remember your sins no more?”

 

Prayer:  Lord, you know all of my mistakes.  I marvel that knowing all of that, you still love me as if I had never sinned.  Thank you for choosing not to use my past against me.  Help me live into a much better future where I more closely follow your perfect ways.  Amen.

 

Prayer Focus:  Pray for victims of unjust violence today.

 

Song:  East to West – Casting Crowns

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TnkkZLdjf9Y

Forgiveness Does Not Remove Consequences

Genesis 3:23, NIV - So the Lord God banished [Adam] from the Garden of Eden to work the ground from which he had been taken.

 

Proverbs 3:11-12, NIV - My son, do not despise the Lord’s discipline, and do not resent his rebuke, because the Lord disciplines those he loves, as a father the son he delights in

 

Though God did forgive Adam for disobedience, there were still consequences.  Forgiving someone does not remove natural or imposed consequences of the offending action.  As Rob Bell has said, “You can forgive someone and call the police.”  Obviously, many actions have consequences that are natural and cannot be removed.  For instance, imagine a situation where a friend had agreed to pick you up in his car to take you to a job interview. He doesn’t show up, and consequently you miss the interview and your chance to get the job is lost.  Forgiving that friend is certainly possible, but getting another interview for the same job is not.  The consequence cannot be avoided, but forgiveness is still a possibility.

                There are other instances where you may choose to forgive but also impose consequences.  In the job interview situation above, you may decide to never accept a ride from the friend when something important like a job interview is at stake.  You have imposed that consequence, but that does not preclude the choice you make to forgive your forgetful friend.  Even if you, at a later date, decide to remove that consequence and give your friend another chance, that decision is still separate from the decision to forgive. What is important to note here is that whether the consequences are natural or imposed, they are a separate issue from forgiveness.  When consequences are removed, it is often called a pardon, as is the case with a Presidential Pardon.  The President often pardons people who have previously been convicted of crimes and consequences have been imposed.  While the person receiving such a pardon has the consequences removed, the people hurt by their crime are not forced to forgive the person. The forgiveness and the pardon are independent from each other.

                As a good parent does with errant children, God often imposes consequences in hopes of correcting unhealthy behavior.  It’s important to note that consequences, when imposed wisely, are never given for the purpose of hurting or punishing the other.  God and good parents are interested not in hurting, but helping the straying child.  Being on the receiving end of helpful impositions is not pleasant, but trusting that God is trying to help us can make the “pill” easier to swallow. 

 

Question:  Can you think of a time when consequences for a mistake you made helped you in the long run?

 

Prayer:  God, thank you for loving us enough to care about when make mistakes.  Help me see the places in my life where I need correction and the grace to accept that correction when it is offered. Amen.

 

Prayer Focus:  Pray for God to give wisdom to people facing an important decision.

 

Song:  Good, Good Father

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-ak0OoFBw3c

Forgiveness is NOT Restored Trust

 

Luke 16:10-12, NIV - “Whoever can be trusted with very little can also be trusted with much, and whoever is dishonest with very little will also be dishonest with much.  So if you have not been trustworthy in handling worldly wealth, who will trust you with true riches?  And if you have not been trustworthy with someone else’s property, who will give you property of your own?

 

Forgiveness is not a restoration of trust.  A restoration of trust is often equated with forgiveness and this is a mistake.  Often people shun the possibility of forgiving another because they mistakenly believe that to do so would constitute a choice to trust them again.  Nothing could be further from the truth.  Trust has to earned where forgiveness can be offered to even an untrustworthy recipient.   You can forgive someone who you probably will never trust again.  Nothing is required from the offender to be forgiven, but reestablishing trust will require much work by both parties.  Because this is true, offering forgiveness to someone often involves setting boundaries with them at the same time. We will say much more about this in future reflections.

Being forgiven by God does not mean we have been trusted by God with things we were trusted with once before.  Even with God, trust has to earned and broken trust has to be earned again.  God’s forgiveness can and should prompt us to move toward trustworthiness, but we do indeed have to put in the work.  Building trust is the work of all relationships with God and people.  God is constantly building trust with us by keeping promises, taking care of us, and always telling us the truth.  God forgives us for breaking our trust with God, but the rebuilding of trust is our role in the relationship.  We will find that, as we do this in little ways, we will be trusted with more. 

 

Question:  What is an area where you realize that you need to build up trustworthiness with God?

 

Prayer:  Thank you God for always being trustworthy and keeping your promises.  Mold my spirit to be more like you that I might build trust with you and others. Amen.

 

Prayer Focus:  Pray for people in prison today for crimes they did not commit.

 

Song:  Imagine this song as a message from God

Honesty – Billy Joel

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SuFScoO4tb0